Losing it with Christ

From my personal journal:

Saturday          May 22, 1999           Early in the Morning

Well, today's the first day of my journal.  Not sure where this is gonna go - but seemed like a good day to start.

Today's a real bad day - so this journal is gonna strat out a real bummer - but hopefully - it all gets better as we go.

I can't breathe.  I mean - it is REALLY bad today.  I'm on steroids (yuk!)  My lungs hurt so bad.  I can hardly walk at all - and guess what - today's the VIP Tour and party at Universal Studios' Island of Adventure.  I cried all morning thinking I might have to rent a wheelchair and that Cheryl might be stuck pushing my 280 pound *** (bleep) around.  So much for her new-found freedom.  She had to take care of Mom and push her wheelchair around for so long - it would be horrible if she had to do that with me, too.

I don't know why I've been dealt this plate.  Between breathing (or lack therefore) - being 150 pounds overweight and a bum ankle - I'm not sure where God is taking me. 

I prayed this morning for Him to lift my asthma and to help give me the determination and persevearance to get this fat off.  I also pray for the ankle - but if I get my weight under control - maybwe tha tlone will make the ankle better.

I'm 43 and feel like 90.

Mom's funeral was one month ago today.  I'm sure that's making me more sensitive.

I try hard to keep a good attitude, be positive, don't cry, don't complain, but sometimes I just gotta say:  Why me????

Is it punishment?  Is it leading somewhere God wants me to go?  Perhaps in leading others?  I wish I knew!

I think I feel much better writing all this down, because I can't burden anyone by saying these things and feelings out loud.  Don't want to bum them out or worry them.  God - PLEASE - just help me get through this day with a little DIGNITY.

WOW - was that heavy?  (no pun intended)  I mean - I must have been so down.....so depressed - but if I would not have saved this journal page - I would have told you that I never dealt with depression.

It's hard to see things sometimes.  It's hard when you are in the midst to see what is obvious to others.  Reminds me of that saying "can't see the forrest for the trees".

The ironic part of this is that I weighed 280 in this journal and it sounds like I was at the lowest of lows - yet it took me 4-1/2 MORE MONTHS and 14 MORE POUNDS until I finally did something about my weight.

I think it was all too overwhelming.

One more thing -I didn't go to Church at this time!  Used worse language than I've ever heard out of anyone's mouth - was not praticing a Christian life whatsoever - yet I knew God had a plan.  How could I have know that?

Let me share a couple other things with you quickly.

10/2/99 - I joined Weight Watchers at 294 pounds. 

10/3/99 - I visited Discovery Church for the first time.  I LOVE my Church! Wait till you hear the healing stories that have taken place for me there!

2/2000 - I met Pam Smith - Author and Nutritionist Extraordinare!  And what a mentor she was to me in this whole realm.

3/2001 - I met Ken Martin - Teacher of  my Crown Financial small group at Discovery (what does that have to do with weight loss?  You'll see!)

4/2001 - Realization that Pam and Ken are brother & sister!

Is all this Coincidence?  I THINK NOT! !

 God was at work......

He wants to work with you and in you, too.  Will you let Him in?

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